The case of me making it harder on myself part 1
i've been not so okay since the last few days ago. the interview that i prepped for days went nuclear. it all started with that afternoon coffee of doom. i drank one, hoping that it would help me pass through the final day before the interview with some real grind, and then it happened. i hit up my friend at around 22:00 that i was already fed up of rehearsing lines and going to go to sleep earlier. i did not. i can't sleep that night. the combination of heightening anxiety and caffeine in my system was enough to keep my body from taking a break. i tried sleeping in my room, in front of my room, in the office, in the living room, in the guest room. It's playing into one of the biggest fear i have, damaging some of my nerves and can't never go to sleep again for the rest of my life. The way my brain replayed the worst scenario over and over again didn't help. At one point i wondered if it was a "divine punishment" because i didn't tell my parents for such life decision (i'm applying abroad). I tried breathing technique method, reading a boring book, but by that time it's already 3 in the morning and the hope of having a bit of sleep ceased. i was wide awake, but with my brain has turned into mush and being all lethargic. at 4 to 6 i experienced a nausea that i can't down anything else other than sipping a bit of water every other minutes to hydrate myself. a cold shower at 6:30 helped a bit but by that time i have already woken up for about 22 hours. The anxiety i had shifted from the menacing hr person to just basic survival. i was like fuck this i'll just read my template stuff out, my brain doesn't have anymore bandwidth to even think straight. at 7, i've already suited myself in front of my desk. i tried rehearsing once more but it turned to be a word soup so i stopped mid way. i talked to my friend (the previous one i mentioned) and had him accompanying me before i spiraled into insanity. I prayed that i get the first in line and then i can immediately dip out, but no life's cruel and out of 9 participants, i was the last in line. even worse, they didnt announce the order and everyone waiting was held in zoom's waiting room. i waited another hour without knowing when i will get inside. i was running purely out of adrenaline and willpower at that point. The interview itself wasn't hard, it was just me making it harder for myself. some main Qs were left unanswered or answered with a barely related topic. it was because the interviewer had some long intermezzo before the Q and i can't really process much of it anymore. Oh yeah, i did mention that i applied the job abroad but not where. it's in japan, and japanese is my fourth language. i've just learned it for about a year less, and my proficiency is at lower n3 at best. that's the more context for just how hard it was for me, running on empty, 25 hours in, trying to parse a language 4th in line in my brain. the worst part was in the qna session. i asked a template question of something faith related, i didn't expect the interviewer to say that they have no experience at all with my people and asked me for details about it. i didn't have it in my template and i froze for most part, relying heavily on the translator about that. it was kinda funny too bcs i was the last in line and nobody has even asked about that so the interviewer just dumped his curiosity on me. it was the dealbreaker i think. my stock plummeted so hard and i can't really gauge other participants' performance because i was the last in line. everyone had at least see one participant because after the interview everyone didn't get kicked out, just hanging out with cam off. i'm still hoping i will get the job somehow, but it's like 30% chance, at least in my head. i finally had a slept at around 11:30, an hour after it. i was going to write this blog about negative self-talk and learning self-compassion post-interview, but it seems like i went super detailed with my interview shitshow so i guess i'll have to keep that for next time. Probably 4-5 days from now where i'll also wrap it in cope that i don't get the job (negative self-talk!). truth be told i'm still beating myself to this experience, but writing this down really helps me calm down. i don't know how to end this, but maybe with an advice: save yourself from a sleepless night by not drinking coffee past noon if you have something important tomorrow morning. caffeine and anxiety make a combo from hell.